Wednesday, January 30, 2008

more on motherhood

I'm embarrassed to say that I'm hopelessly hooked on Dawson's Creek.  
The Spanish/Catalan TV is playing the series everyday at 2:30.  As
an embarrassing time to zone out, I place myself in front of the TV for
about 45 minutes, letting some fantasized dream from an imagined
youth take me far away from 'the now'.  Every character/actress bugs
me in some way, maybe with the exception of Pacy, whom I find to be
very cute (again, back to some imagined teenage immaturity).  

Some of you, my single friends out there have asked me how life has
changed since babyhood.  Not too long ago, I remember asking
the same type of questions to my own friends who were already parents,
and remembering that whatever their answer was, I just couldn't relate.
Sure, I tried to listen and understand what they say, but
in retrospect, it just isn't possible to describe the experience of
'becoming' a parent to a non-parent, nor is it possible to fathom
the experience that is so life altering without having gone through it.

I remember one day, I think it was very close to my due date, I
was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, contemplating on my ever
expanding waistline.  I looked around at all of my bottles and bags of makeup,
hair adornments and whatnots, thinking how different it would feel to be
looking at the same things a few days later.  I tried to imagine what life would
be like living with a complete stranger that I would have created from a part
of my body.  It was impossible to imagine.

Now that I've gone through it, I still think it is undescribable.  Since last
May, this is what I know: each day still provides me with endless
opportunities to learn about Mia, my daughter (something I found very
strange to say for a long time), myself, and family dynamics.  

This is what else I've learned: although there are days and moments when I
am so lost as to what I should or should not do, both as a mother, as well as
Heidi, that I can just sit down and cry out of desperation and frustration; then
just in a turn of minutes, my entire life will make perfect sense when Mia
flashes me a smile or I observe a new sign of connection or bond between us.  
These extreme emotions are something even I (being the emotional one) have
never experienced, and I truly, truly love them.  I think if I had stuck to my original
plan of never getting married or had a child, I would have been very sad.

What I learned about myself: sometimes even I don't know what I want...who could have
predicted that I would love mothering so much, and take such keen interests in diapers,
diaper changing, baby clothes, food, bibs, etc. such benign parts of mothering.
Even up until last year before I found out I was pregnant, I never thought I would be a very involved mother IF I ever got pregnant.  Once again, when you let a door open, and it's
life changing, let it.  

It turns out people are right, never say never :) .

Sunday, January 27, 2008

another sunny day

Is it possible to tell how much we love her from how we see her?

Friday, January 25, 2008

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


Dear Friends,
I apologize for the long period of silence.  We (I) have been swamped/drowning/covered with work.  We are planning a monumental trip in March where I will finish the last stage of my doctorate hopefully, and I suppose, as a reward to all, continue the trip to Chicago and Shanghai to visit everybody.  This means our days now are filled with rushing upstairs for moments of deep contemplation on 18th century aesthetics, then rushing down to feed or comfort Mia, then rushing to make food for us adults, then rushing off to school to teach.  

Although it's often rewarding in itself, this pace of lifestyle is very new for me (us), and all of us are still adjusting.   For instance, after an incredibly long day yesterday, we (the adults) just couldn't wake up this morning to go to the market, and Mia was up at 5am doing somersaults on our bed....ok, not really somersaults, more like sitting, rolling and standing, but at 5am, it seems like the bed was doing somersaults when she moves.  

Anyway, I am less than pleased with myself about keeping in touch with everyone, including updating the blog, but I promise that once I become a Doc...(ahhh...), there will be nothing BUT
phones and letters from us everyday!

Meanwhile, all of us send a big, warm hug to our friends, and may we get to see each other someday soon.

Monday, January 14, 2008



Friday, January 04, 2008

Happy New Year and Happy 8th month Birthday, Mia

I can do serious damage with this, hehehe....

a regular 3 course meal

ready for shaving, where do we begin?