more on motherhood

I'm embarrassed to say that I'm hopelessly hooked on Dawson's Creek.  
The Spanish/Catalan TV is playing the series everyday at 2:30.  As
an embarrassing time to zone out, I place myself in front of the TV for
about 45 minutes, letting some fantasized dream from an imagined
youth take me far away from 'the now'.  Every character/actress bugs
me in some way, maybe with the exception of Pacy, whom I find to be
very cute (again, back to some imagined teenage immaturity).  

Some of you, my single friends out there have asked me how life has
changed since babyhood.  Not too long ago, I remember asking
the same type of questions to my own friends who were already parents,
and remembering that whatever their answer was, I just couldn't relate.
Sure, I tried to listen and understand what they say, but
in retrospect, it just isn't possible to describe the experience of
'becoming' a parent to a non-parent, nor is it possible to fathom
the experience that is so life altering without having gone through it.

I remember one day, I think it was very close to my due date, I
was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, contemplating on my ever
expanding waistline.  I looked around at all of my bottles and bags of makeup,
hair adornments and whatnots, thinking how different it would feel to be
looking at the same things a few days later.  I tried to imagine what life would
be like living with a complete stranger that I would have created from a part
of my body.  It was impossible to imagine.

Now that I've gone through it, I still think it is undescribable.  Since last
May, this is what I know: each day still provides me with endless
opportunities to learn about Mia, my daughter (something I found very
strange to say for a long time), myself, and family dynamics.  

This is what else I've learned: although there are days and moments when I
am so lost as to what I should or should not do, both as a mother, as well as
Heidi, that I can just sit down and cry out of desperation and frustration; then
just in a turn of minutes, my entire life will make perfect sense when Mia
flashes me a smile or I observe a new sign of connection or bond between us.  
These extreme emotions are something even I (being the emotional one) have
never experienced, and I truly, truly love them.  I think if I had stuck to my original
plan of never getting married or had a child, I would have been very sad.

What I learned about myself: sometimes even I don't know what I want...who could have
predicted that I would love mothering so much, and take such keen interests in diapers,
diaper changing, baby clothes, food, bibs, etc. such benign parts of mothering.
Even up until last year before I found out I was pregnant, I never thought I would be a very involved mother IF I ever got pregnant.  Once again, when you let a door open, and it's
life changing, let it.  

It turns out people are right, never say never :) .