Motherhood

The other day, someone saw me for the first time since April, and said, 'so, you're a mother now!' I don't know why I found that to be slightly shocking, it seems only natural that I am a mother now, particularly after 31 hours of labor and many days of sleeplessness. I suppose I have always equated motherhood with something grand, bigger than life itself. For me, many hours of waiting in line and endless pieces of certificates and numerous exams must be accomplished before I can drive a car, get a discount to go in a museum, or live in a foreign country; yet, in my house, on May 3rd, I was just me, then the next day, I was a mother. No exams, no lectures, no waiting in line, there you go, good luck.

Sure, there are daily moments when I feel lost, inexperienced, impatient, overwhelmed, exhausted (many moments), but more often, I'm surprised to find feelings which are so raw and new to me that I never expected: feelings of utmost tenderness, protectiveness, selflessness. It almost always catches me by surprise. When Mia falls asleep now, she likes to play with my hand, the feel of the softness of her skin and the growing strength of her fingers can bring so much joy to me. Sometimes when I'm in the next room and she's with N, I can hear her 'sing' and coo, I almost always have to drop whatever I'm doing, just to be near her and enjoy a part of this sweetness.

My mother told me that she felt I was losing myself in being a mother. I think I'm okay with that for now. After all, to quote country western singer George Strait from his song One Step at a Time:
"there is something about angels you should know:
she'll walk away one step at a time,
it will take you by surprise,
you'll think it happened over night,
it will be too late when you realize angels don't fly,
they just walk away one step at a time."

Now, she's playing (banging away) at the piano, I think I want to go to her again :)